She Goes On
by Jeanny
Summary: Xander's POV as he deals with the aftermath of the final battle with Glory (sequel to Stuff That Happens While You're Making Other Plans) *Spoilers through Tough Love (AU)*
1.

Title: She Goes On

Author: Jeanny

Summary: Xander's POV as he deals with the aftermath of the final battle with Glory (sequel to Stuff That Happens While You're Making Other Plans)

Spoilers: Season 5 through Tough Love

Rating: PG

Feedback: Yes, please! jeannygrrl@hotmail.com

Distribution: Go ahead, I don't mind, just credit me and tell me where it's going.

Disclaimer: All Buffy characters belong to Joss Whedon and Co. The closest I come to owning them is my collection of action figures. I just like to write about them for the enjoyment of myself and others.

Author's Note: The title comes from a Crowded House song, but it's really not a songfic. Flashbacks are denoted by brackets [ ].

Part 1 - The Dark

**************************************

From the bed I can barely see the view outside, but I can see enough to tell day from night. I remember when that knowledge would have been so important to me, but that was a lifetime ago. Now I just use the window to tell me which to be more worried about: that my friends are out on patrol or that they're coming here. I can tell by the light that Anya's going to be here any minute, and I wish for the thousandth time that I had the strength to send her away. But if my wishes could change things, so many things would be different, wouldn't they?

I hear the whooshing sound that is the door opening, and I close my eyes. I know she knows I'm not asleep, but I just need a second to prepare myself. I open them as I feel her lips brush my cheek, and she's smiling at me. God, Anya has a beautiful smile, and I'm so weak. I want to tell her to go away, that she's better off without me, but I just can't. I can see the curve of her stomach growing every day. Our child, growing inside her. I feel sick. That child deserves so much more than me as a father.

"Good morning, sweetheart," she says softly, and I have to look away. I'm hurting her. I'm always hurting everyone I love. She doesn't wait for me to answer, she knows I won't. I hardly talk at all now. "Willow and Tara send their love, and Dawnie said she'd come by after school." I swallow a moan. Seeing Dawn is so hard, harder than any of the others. Seeing her and knowing that I...that Buffy is gone.

Buffy is gone. The thought still shakes me to the core of my being. Not gone as in dead, although she might be. Just gone. When we closed the dimensional portal that Glory had opened by bleeding Dawn nearly to death, Buffy was trapped on the other side. I close my eyes against the memory and feel Anya's fingers running through my hair, trying so hard to soothe me.

"Giles wanted to come by, to talk to you about, you know, Willow, but I told him that today was a bad day for that." Ever since the battle with Glory, Giles and Willow have been at odds. Willow is convinced that she can find a spell to bring Buffy back, while Giles is afraid such spells are excessively dangerous. He keeps telling me that the kinds of magicks Willow is exploring will be more than she can handle, and might cause us all great peril. Giles wants me to talk 'sense' into her. Like trying to get our friend back isn't the most sensible thing I've ever heard. I'd be backing up Willow 100% if I was up to backing up anyone for anything.

"Thanks." The word slips out of my mouth before I'm even aware I'm thinking it. Anya's beaming, she's so happy that I talked to her, even if it's only one word. She deserves so much more than I can give her. I watch her sometimes playing with her ring, the one I gave her when I promised to make her happy. Another promise I'm not going to keep.

"I'm gonna let you rest now so that you'll be all ready for your therapy. They tell me that you're doing really well, honey. You'll be walking on your own soon. Isn't that wonderful? I think it's wonderful." I still can't believe I got hit by a huge chunk of actual brimstone. I didn't even know there was such a thing as brimstone, but what would hellfire be without it, I guess. The injuries to my legs and back were so bad there had been some doubt I'd ever be able to walk again. I don't care much about my progress, other than wanting to not be a burden on my friends. The doctors now tell me they think I'll make a total recovery, except for the scars. Lots of scars. But we all have scars since that day, don't we?

Anya is kissing me now. Her lips are warm and salty. She's crying again. I don't kiss her back. I can't give her hope, I can't give her anything anymore.

**************************************

Willow's nose is bleeding. She's holding a tissue to it, keeping it all wadded up in her hand, like if she makes it really small no one will notice. Tara definitely noticed, though. I saw the look that passed between them. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I know it's not good.

Tara's sanity returned as soon as we destroyed Glory, just as we'd all hoped. But she hasn't been the same, she's like a ghost of herself. Survivor guilt, I think they call it. We all have a touch of that. Some of us maybe have more than a touch. Things are different now, the bad kind of different.

Willow gives Tara a meaningful look, and she leaves the room without a word. Okay, so Willow wants to talk to me alone. That could be good. I look at her face, and see a combination of her guiltiest expression and her resolve face. That could be really, really bad. She takes my hand.

"Xander, we all love you. We've tried coddling you, we've tried screaming at you, we've all tried to give you what you need, and it's not working. You won't let us help you. You won't even try. I've lost too much, I need my friend back. And Anya needs you." I try to look away, but I can't. I think she's using witchy power to keep me looking at her. Not fair!

"I know you're going to be really unhappy with me, but I don't know what else to try, so I'm trying this. You have a visitor, and when he comes in here you're going to have to talk to him, or else neither one of you will be able to leave this room." I relax a little, because it sounds like another shrink. I've been through a half dozen of those, not to mention loads of different meds. No sweat.

She gives my hand one last sad squeeze, and leaves. As soon as she's out the door I feel I can move my head again, but I don't bother. I no longer have a reason to. I hear the quiet sound of the door opening and closing. I wait for him to speak. Total silence. Nothing happening. He's apparently decided to try to wait me out. That's fine by me. I don't say anything. There's no sound in the room except for breathing. Hold on. There's no sound except for MY breathing. I turn and look, and of course it's him. Deadboy. Willow's dead when I get my hands on her.

"Xander," Angel nods a greeting. He looks the same, all big billowy coat and dark handsomeness. Hello hatred, my old friend. It's like he never left.

"Get out." I don't think I've ever been this angry. Willow'd better move out of state.

"Not an option." I've had enough. I swing my legs off of the bed, wincing from the pain of the abrupt movement. They've been telling me for weeks I'll be walking any day now, and today seems like a pretty good day for it.

"Fine, stay. I'm going."

"No, you're not. Willow told you. We can't leave. Energy barrier or something."

"She can't do this."

"She can. She did. Deal." I lie back against the pillows, totally miserable. I know he's right, which is even more infuriating. I turn my head so I don't have to look at him. Just because he's here, doesn't mean I have to acknowledge him. Silence again, but my breathing sounds harsh against it. I sneak a glance at Angel, and he's actually grinning at me. God, but I wish I had a stake right now.

"You can't outbrood me, Harris. Remember who you're dealing with." I'm staring at him now, pure loathing in my eyes.

"Why are you here?" He's not smiling now. He considers my question for a long time, then stares right back at me.

"For Buffy." I turn back away, not wanting to meet his eyes.

"Buffy's gone," I say harshly.

"I know what happened." For some reason this statement unsettles me.

"What do you know?" He pauses again. I'm beginning to feel really sorry for giving my friends the silent treatment for weeks. It's incredibly annoying.

"Spike came to see me. He told me...how." Spike. I should have guessed. Anya told me he disappeared just days after the memorial service they held for Buffy while I was still in surgery. In my nightmares I still hear him screaming at me. I can imagine what he must have told Angel. All of a sudden I really don't care anymore.

"So you know. What do you want to do about it? Hurt me? Go ahead. Take your best shot."

"I talked to Willow, too. Her version of events is a bit different. Now I want to hear what happened from you."

"I'm not talking about what happened, about Buffy, least of all to you."

"I think you will."

"Why?"

"Because you owe her that much."

"Don't you dare!" I'm screaming now, the rage is completely out of control. "You don't know anything about what our friendship was like! I loved her! I protected her! I helped her pick up the pieces when morons like you broke her heart! When we went into that battle I was watching her back!"

"That's right. You had her back. You were fighting Glory's minions."

"We made it through. They were bleeding Dawn to open the portal. Glory changed back into her human form, Ben, and Buffy ran him through with her sword. Willow had found a ritual to close the portal that the key had opened., but someone had to be on the other side to make it work. Buffy tied a rope to herself and told me to hold on..."

__

["Don't let go, Xander!" Buffy's smile was grim on her soot-covered face. Giles was carrying Dawn to safety while Spike fought the remaining, very pissed-off minions. He was trying to keep them away from Willow while she recited the incantation of the spell that would help close the portal.

"I won't. You know I won't." Spike cried out as one of the minions landed a blow to his shoulder that brought him to his knees. Willow's voice echoed eerily throughout the chamber. Her eyes were black, energy crackling around her. Blood flowed continuously from her nose in a torrent. She suddenly cried out.

"Now, Buffy! Go now!!" Buffy lept gracefully into the dimensional gateway. Suddenly the air around us was charged with energy and things began to get really hot.

"Willow, what's happening?" I cried out in panic. It was Giles who answered, having returned just in time to save Willow from a minion's fatal blow. Spike was unconscious, Willow nearly so.

"Hell is crossing over. It's already starting. We must get out of here quickly." ]

"...I felt a tug on the rope, and began to pull. I was trying to look into the light, and I could see a shape on the other side that I knew was her..."

__

["I see her! I see Buffy! Buffy, hurry, this whole place is gonna-" A sudden explosion of fire and rock exploded from the portal, knocking everyone who was still standing off their feet. An enormous chunk of burning rock fell on top of me, pinning me to the ground. I was losing consciousness, I felt the rope slip from my fingers...]

"...and I heard Willow scream my name, and then Buffy's name, and then there was this horrible quiet. And then I heard Spike shouting at me. He kept yelling, 'You let go! You killed her!' Then he started to cry, and I heard Willow and Giles calling my name, and they were crying, and then I passed out. I lost Buffy. It's my fault she's gone." At some point in telling him the story, tears I had been holding in since that day started to flow. Now I can't seem to get them to stop. Angel's sitting on the bed, and I'm shocked to see he's crying, too.

"It wasn't your fault. You almost died, Xander. No one could have held on."

"You could have." Angel shook his head.

"I wasn't even there. But it doesn't matter. What matters is you have to deal with what happened so that you can go on with your life. That's what Buffy would want." Now it's like some kind of floodgate inside me has been broken. I can't stop sobbing.

"It's all my fault! Buffy, I'm so sorry!" Angel takes me in his arms like he would a child, and rocks me back and forth, trying to comfort me. God help me, I actually let him. I've been so lost for so long.

"No, it's not. It's gonna be okay, Xander."

"I let go...I let her go. I let her down."

"Let it out, kid. Let it out."


	2. 

Part 2 - The Light

**************************************

"Is it time?" I turn to Willow, and she gives me a huge hug. I love it when she's like this. She's practically bouncing with excitement.

"She's ready. We need to get in our places. Are you nervous?" I can't stop smiling today. I favor her with a particularly wide grin and a shake of my head.

"I thought I would be, you know? But now that it's time, I don't feel nervous at all. Just...eager. It feels like Christmas morning." Willow smiled back at me, and I let her wheel me into place. The justice of the peace looks at me and grins. Our wedding might look to a casual observer like some kind of haphazardly thrown together shotgun affair, but this woman knows true love when she sees it. I never thought I'd get to this place a month ago, but I'm here. Marrying the woman I love, giving my name, such as it is, to my child. It's almost perfect.

Willow stealthily wiggles her fingers, and music suddenly starts to play. Pacabel's Canon in D. That's what Willow told me the song was called. I smile up at her. She looks lovely in that special Willowy way, wearing a pale green dress, flowers braided into her hair. My best friend, standing by my side at my wedding. My 'best woman,' we call her, and it works, because she is one of the best women I know.

Tara comes first, holding a small bouquet of violets. Her dress is like Willow's, only pale purple. Her hair is up in some kind of twist, and she looks so delicately beautiful. She smiles at me as she approaches and her eyes don't look so sad. She gives Willow a quick loving glance before taking her place on the other side. 

Dawnie is the maid of honor, and in her baby blue dress, a crown of baby's breath on her head, she ironically looks so grown up to me. She's lost so much, and yet she's such a remarkably resilient young woman. Willow has moved into the Summers house and has been able to maintain the illusion that Buffy is still there to avoid custody issues. Dawn's become a model student. They're not making noise about taking her away anymore, which is definitely a relief for all concerned. I give her a little thumbs up and she rewards me with a saucy grin and a wink. She takes her place by Tara's side.

Willow waves again, and now the music changes to the traditional Wedding March. Our two guests stand to watch the bride's entrance. Deadboy, actually smiling. Amy, finally deratted by Willow a month ago, pretty in pale yellow that matches her hair. Anya really wanted to invite Spike for some reason I cannot even guess, but no one knows where he is, not even Angel. Can't say I shed any tears over that. Everyone else that I wanted to be here is involved with the ceremony. Well, almost everyone.

Giles is beaming with fatherly pride as Anya places her hand in the crook of his elbow. But Anya. She takes my breath away. She may be six months pregnant, but she's never looked more exquisite to me than she does right now. Her hair is back to it's natural brunette shade, and she's wearing it really short, framing her lovely face with soft curls. Her dress is a light pink, blousing out over her expanding stomach, and she carries a bouquet of pink roses, her favorite flowers. She's glowing with happiness and her eyes never leave mine as she moves forward. It feels like forever until she reaches me. And when she does, I pull my surprise. Locking the wheelchair into place and bracing myself against it, I stand beside my bride. Willow and Giles stay close in case I need them, but I know I can do this. I'm not going to fall.

As the ceremony progresses, it feels like a dream. The kind you never want to wake up from. And now the justice of the peace is wiping a tear from her own eye, telling me I can kiss the bride. Anya's smiling against my mouth as I give her the deepest, most loving kiss I can. I try to put a lifetime of love into that kiss, then I realize that I actually have that long to get it right. We break apart to the sound of our friends' applause. Willow does her little Jedi wave again, and now the haunting strains of Elvis Presley fill the air. I can't get my arms around Anya very well anymore, and it's not so much dancing as prolonged rhythmic leaning, but I hold her close to me, singing along with the King.

__

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you...

After the dance, Anya orders me back into the wheelchair. I respond with, "Yes, wife!" which earns me yet another amazing kiss. Now I really do have to sit down. Everyone is applauding, smiles all around. Giles is tapping his glass to get our attention, and we all turn towards him.

"Thank you. I feel on this wonderful and very happy occasion, a toast is in order. And while I will be the first in line to drink any number of toasts to the happy couple, there's someone else I want to toast first. Someone without whom, we wouldn't be together, and someone who I know is smiling at all of us right now." Tears are shining in his eyes as he raises his glass. "To Buffy, whose legacy lives on in us. Those who loved you best salute you." One by one we raise our glasses and echo Giles' toast.

"To Buffy." Dawn's voice breaks as she raises her glass, but with her chin raised defiantly I see so much of her sister in her.

"To Buffy."

"To Buffy."

"To Buffy." The three witches raise their glasses simultaneously, smiling back at Giles through their tears.

"To Buffy." Angel's face is solemn for a moment, then he gives me the hint of a smile.

"To Buffy." Anya turns to me, it's my turn. I raise my glass and try to clear the lump from my throat.

"To Buffy. We love you."

**************************************

Today's the day we're going back. We're going to rescue Buffy. Willow, Dawn, Amy, Deadboy, Faith, and me. Willow and Amy think they've finally managed to work out the kinks in the spells so that we can open the gateway without bringing hell into our dimension. It won't be open long, but it will be long enough. It has to be long enough.

Tara's left town, for good I think. Willow won't talk about it, and she pretends she's okay about it, but she can't hide her pain from me. I know her too well. Tara was totally against trying this spell, and she and Willow argued about it constantly. Then one day she was just gone. She left a note for Willow, but after she read it she tossed it in the air and it turned to ash. She hasn't spoken her girlfriend's name since.

Giles is leaving too, heading back to England. When Buffy vanished, it was like she died, so a new Slayer was called with a new Watcher. He's made arrangements for Willow and Anya to buy the Magic Box together; they'll run it as co-owners with Amy's help. He says he's given up trying to talk us out of our 'insane and suicidal mission', but that he won't stay and watch our destruction. The last time I spoke to him he begged me to respect Buffy's memory by not wrecking what she gave her life to save. He claims that Buffy wouldn't want us to do this, and I think he's probably right. But I also know that if one of us was the one trapped, she'd do whatever was necessary to bring them back. And we're going to do the same for her, no matter what we have to risk.

Besides, this time we know what we're in for, so we've got a much better plan. Willow is going to do the spell to open the gateway, and Amy is going to do the one that will close it. Less witch wear and tear that way. Angel is going to go into the portal to get Buffy, being the one with the most being-in-Hell experience, and then back in to close the gateway. This time instead of tying a rope around him we have a metal chain on a cinch hooked up to a mechanical crank that he can operate remotely. Very high-tech. Much better than a Xander on a rope.

The big surprise was when Faith arrived with Deadboy. We knew she was out of prison, though it's still unclear how that happened, and that she's been working with Angel's crew in La-la Land. Things were a bit tense at first, but then Willow shrugged and said something about how handy it would be to have a Slayer around, and we could suddenly breathe again. Faith is going to watch the gateway and take out any nasties that manage to make their way through before we're done, just in case.

Dawn's job is the hardest. Dawn has to bleed. Willow tried desperately for weeks to find another way to open the entry, but there isn't a way other than the Key. So much blood is required, we decided to not to risk it, but Dawn insisted. She's just as stubborn as her sister when she wants to be, and right now she's determined to get Buffy back, even if it means her own life. My job is to make sure that doesn't happen, and also to be the 'Murphy's Law backup', as Amy puts it. In case something goes wrong.

The truth is, I'm still a liability to this mission, and everyone knows it. I only just stopped using my cane a couple of days ago. The pain is still unreal if I stand or walk for too long, and running is completely out of the question. I was determined to come, and none of them questioned it. They know I need to be here for Buffy. I won't let her down again.

Anya and I had our first marital spat last night. Actually, more than a spat, a full engagement, a battle royale. The baby isn't due for a couple of weeks but it could come any time, and where am I going? To the place where she almost lost me a few months ago. She can't understand, and I get why she can't understand. She said she'll never forgive me. She actually called me a stupid mortal, which would have made me laugh if she wasn't breaking my heart with her tears. I ache to be with her, waiting for our girl to be born, but I can't leave Buffy in this hell a moment longer. If we succeed, I'll bring Anya around. She's my life. I have no choice. 

And if we fail, it won't matter.

**************************************

Buffy is smiling. The first time since the rescue that she's smiled, and I'm proud to say I can take partially responsibility for the cause of that small upside-down frown. I feel a lightness in my heart that hasn't been there for forever, and for the first time I think it might be okay. Buffy might be okay. 

There were times when I despaired that this day would ever come. The day we rescued Buffy was the best and worst day of my life. Best, because we rescued our Buffy and closed the portal without bringing hell to earth or killing ourselves in the process. Worst, because the Buffy we rescued was almost unrecognizable and completely insane. A frenzied, terrified Slayer is not of the good. Angel had to knock her unconscious more than once to get her into the car, his face more stricken every time he did it.

We rushed Buffy and Dawn to the hospital. No one seemed to find it significant that this was the second time Dawn inexplicably had to have major transfusions in less than a year. Major blood loss still not a red flag in Sunnyhell. They locked Buffy up in the psych ward, but they couldn't hold her, she kept escaping. Deadboy and Faith took to sleeping in the hospital corridors, because they were the only ones who could subdue her. She calmed down eventually, but she still wasn't there, she wasn't Buffy. After a while they let Willow and Dawn take her home, at which point Spike suddenly resurfaced. I think he must have been close by watching us all this time, because I have no idea how else he could have found out about Buffy's return. Against my better judgment, Dawn demanded that he be allowed to stay at the Summers house with them, and Willow agreed. The three of them have taken such good care of Buffy during her slow return to sanity. She still barely speaks, but she recognizes us all now. I can see it in her eyes. But she still hadn't smiled until today, not until she held Christina.

Christina Eugenia Harris. My amazing, precious, beautiful daughter. She's the image of her mother, but they tell me she has my eyes. I said I couldn't see it, because she's always smiling and laughing. Now I see that they're right. The sound of her laughter is the sweetest music imaginable. I may never sleep again, but as I can't think of anything more wonderful than holding this child in my arms, sleep really doesn't matter to me. I want her to grow up surrounded by the love I never got from my parents. I know Anya feels the same way. We're both so full of wonder when we look at her. Anya calls her 'the most pleasant of all the tiny squalling infants in the neighborhood,' but she's laughing when she says it. 

Today was the first time that Anya brought Christina here. She walked in and without a word placed our baby in Buffy's arms, her eyes conveying a total sense of trust in our friend. At this moment I've never been more proud to be her husband. An incredible woman, my wife. And Buffy, looking down at this precious gift, smiles. Then she looks at Anya questioningly. I don't understand, but Anya knows what she wants to know.

"Her name's Christina. Christina Eugenia Harris." Buffy looks down at our baby and smiles again. Then she looks at me solemnly.

"What is it, Buff?"

"Xander." Tears spring to my eyes. It's the first time she's used my name since we rescued her. Now I know that Buffy will definitely be back.

"Yes, Buffy," I answer her, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. She looks back at my little girl.

"Good job."

**************************************

"Higher, Aunt Buffy! Higher!" 

Buffy laughs and swings Christina into the air. Thank God for Slayer strength, even at three she's too heavy for me to lift like that anymore. Of course, Buffy's not technically the Slayer anymore, but she still patrols, Angel at her side. It used to be Spike, but ever since Angel came back to stay, our blonde vampire friend seems to have vanished again. I still can't believe I think of Spike as a friend, but he turned out to be one of the best ones I ever had. Anya and I miss him terribly, but we understand why he had to go. It was hard for him to deal with the inevitability that is Buffy and Angel.

On the bright side, Willow was able to rid him of that pesky happiness clause, so until Deadboy 'becomes human' as has been prophesized - and I shudder as I even think the word 'prophesized' - the two of them can be together. In every sense of the word. Who knew that comparing exiles in hell could help them rediscover each other? There was a time when Buffy and Angel together would have really bothered me, but I'm so glad to see Buffy happy...that it only somewhat bothers me.

I think I can finally stop worrying about Willow, too. Ever since Tara left she's had no one in her life, and she's dedicated herself to working at the shop and taking care of all of us, especially Dawn and Buffy. She's always been so strong and upbeat, but there was always a trace of sadness in her smile. But yesterday I caught her smiling at a postcard, a happy, knowing smile I remember well. A smile that a lifetime ago she used to give only me. I think Willow's in love, but she's playing it close to the vest. When I asked her about the postcard, she just blushed and mumbled something about Istanbul. I don't really understand, but if the blush was any indication I think I will soon.

Giles is coming back for Dawn's graduation. He says they're staying the month so that he won't miss the birth of our second child. Knowing Buffy is alive and the world is still here made all the difference, and despite the long distance between us we've remained close. He's Christina's godfather, though he hasn't seen her live since she was a baby. He's watched her grow thanks to Anya's relentless sending of photographs and videos through e-mail. G-man actually finally got the hang of the infernal computer, and even runs the technology section of the Watcher's Council now. He married a really cool Watcher babe and we keep asking when he's going to start making little Watchers. Okay, I keep asking, Anya keeps hitting me when I do.

Dawn's coming over to me, her boyfriend Kevin in tow. I give him my best don't-mess-with-my-daughter glare, because I figure I need the practice. It works, he actually gulps. Actually, he's a nice kid, and he's been pretty good to her. It's just, for me, no one is ever good enough for my girls. They'd kill me if they heard me say that, but that's how I can't help thinking of them, they're my girls. Anya, Buffy, Willow, Dawn, and Christina. I cherish each and every one of them.

We've been through a lot in the dark. I know we'll go through a lot more. But at this moment, the light is shining, my girls are happy and life is good. 

Feedback please!


End file.
